-Looks down at my depressing posts-

.... HAHAHAHAH Oh my. I'm not going to lie, I was so in love, by the sounds of these old posts.. Damn, I'm funny :')

I guess it just feels weird to know that I've entirely moved on. Go me :) God is good.

you were always gonna be my love, and you should know
even if i fall in love with somebody else, i'll remember to love you taught me how.
you were always gonna be the one, and for now, i'll still be singing this love song
for... somebody like you, my first love...
. First Love - Boyz II men.

During my hpe class, this song randomly played on my ipod. Usually loving someone and moving on isn't hard. Something about you makes me feel like I can be myself around you.

When I'm with you, I can see you as a friend, laugh, joke, having fun with you like how friends do; but when I'm away from you.. I feel different.
I love you with all my heart..

But, the day you tell me you fall in love with another person, will be the day I move on with my life..
Keep everything that I've given to you, as a reminder to how much you meant to me. The world.. Corny, I know.. but that's the truth.

Hms.

I'm always fighting with myself about you.

Make up your mind kenny? . Okay, well I've realised that, other than my passion in my faith, nothing can break me down besides someone like her. I can talk to any other girl in my life, laugh and joke with them, but nothing can compare when it's with her. Corny? Yeah, I dont care, this is my blog.. suck it up. Hahah,

but yknow, when it comes to helping people with their relationship problems, I always bring up the subject about foundations. "Build it first, be with god, and you're set." - I mention the subject about how we started and ended, only because I know it motivates and inspires other people to better themselves for the people they love.

The funny thing is that, I can love you so deeply when I'm sitting here, away from you. But when I'm next to you, talking with you.. I can calm down and only see you as a friend. I miss you deeply, but that's as far as my emotions would ever let me.

You're still my hulk and I'm your catwoman/kennie.

Another sookie post haha. Bye.

Heart vs. Mind

Well it's been four months since I've last posted about how I feel. So let me start on how I now feel about everything.

I still love her, but at times, I don't. At one point, I want to keep fighting for her, but then at times, I just want to stop.
Why the change in emotion? .. Well let me start. Maybe I just don't want to keep giving myself these hopes that maybe she'll turn around and come back to me, or that we'll fall in love again. But the thing is that, right now.. I feel like I'm the only one still holding on.. Everytime I look at her, I'm just so proud of who she's become. A much emotionally stronger person. However, having the idea that "I'm always going to be fighting for her.." just hurts me knowing that I wrote suchs things on a piece of letter that I felt at the time.. Maybe they'll always stay true, maybe not.. She's still the person I want to see in the future.
I just don't know how I feel anymore.. I love her so much, but I feel like I'm just torturing myself every. single. day.

I want to let go, I want to move on but I just can't do it. I may look like I have, but deep down, I never left. I want to move on with 'my happiness' , just as she wants me to .. but I can't. I did one a few months ago onto this girl I know, next thing you know, she breaks our friendship. The funny thing was that, I realised that I'd rather fight for my friendship instead of being with that girl at the time. So I ended it with that girl.

I attended this Hillsong Jam Conference a few days ago up in Sydney; I was quite worried because it was just like another summercamp experience (Where it all started) .. So I kinda reduced the attention I usually give her for my sake.. & it has helped me. I love her, however, now.. it's just like... friends and friends. I see her as a friend now.

Anyways, Jenzton Franklin was preaching at a Jam night, talking about "Staying out of the woods" and he quoted "It may be enjoyable and pleasureable, but it can destroy you." .. Then I started thinking "What's the woods in my life?" , it may seem a little much, but I labeled her as my woods, meaning.. It may feel good to be around her, and talk to her, joke around with her for ages just because I have feelings for her.. but in the end, I'm only hurting myself" .. So just stay out of the woods.

So in other words, I guess this is goodbye to my feelings. I can finally move on with my life and be happy without the thoughts of myself fighting for who I miss, love and think about constantly.

It's been awhile.

It's been years since I've posted on my blog. However, I felt that I need to come back here just to get things off my shoulders.

Do you remember the feeling when you've loved someone so much, that you would practically do anything for them? Keep them smiling? Make them feel beautiful every time you're with them?
I thought I had that chance again to be with someone that I've loved all my life.
But that only lasted for 3-4 months. Foundations. Mother. The Past.

I was so overwhelmed that I had her back in my life again after all these years.
Weeks after summercamp, everything changed. We fell back into eachothers hearts. We felt like we had somewhat, a connection ever since coming back from Summercamp.
We started talking about what's been happening since we first broke up. Three years later, we started talking about "Foundations."
How we're planning on setting things up for eachother in the future. Hoping to be future partners in the future. I loved her with a passion & I was willing to pull myself out of my own comfort zone just to make her happy. To be her "Best boyfriend she's ever had" ... again.

I miss her so much. She wants to be only bestfriends. Nothing more. Her words, the name she calls me .. I wish I could repeat that moment.
The sad thing is that, everytime I'm with someone & I have a problem with them, I resort into thinking about Paris only because the younger years is what made me smile. I'm being honest. I'm not going to lie. I always thought of her only because it made me smile..

God. Please keep me strong. I thought this is what you wanted, for me to be with someone that holds a great passion for you as well as I do too..

It's been 1-2 years since I've posted on this blog again .. & obviously I've changed. Growing up into a man that God wants me to be.

It's the most suckiest feeling when I realised how close I was, to having her back in my life again.. One small complication can shift emotions around heavily. I don't know whether I should fight for her or not .. I love her so much.

God, please prepare me for the worst. My hearts ready.