Heart vs. Mind

Well it's been four months since I've last posted about how I feel. So let me start on how I now feel about everything.

I still love her, but at times, I don't. At one point, I want to keep fighting for her, but then at times, I just want to stop.
Why the change in emotion? .. Well let me start. Maybe I just don't want to keep giving myself these hopes that maybe she'll turn around and come back to me, or that we'll fall in love again. But the thing is that, right now.. I feel like I'm the only one still holding on.. Everytime I look at her, I'm just so proud of who she's become. A much emotionally stronger person. However, having the idea that "I'm always going to be fighting for her.." just hurts me knowing that I wrote suchs things on a piece of letter that I felt at the time.. Maybe they'll always stay true, maybe not.. She's still the person I want to see in the future.
I just don't know how I feel anymore.. I love her so much, but I feel like I'm just torturing myself every. single. day.

I want to let go, I want to move on but I just can't do it. I may look like I have, but deep down, I never left. I want to move on with 'my happiness' , just as she wants me to .. but I can't. I did one a few months ago onto this girl I know, next thing you know, she breaks our friendship. The funny thing was that, I realised that I'd rather fight for my friendship instead of being with that girl at the time. So I ended it with that girl.

I attended this Hillsong Jam Conference a few days ago up in Sydney; I was quite worried because it was just like another summercamp experience (Where it all started) .. So I kinda reduced the attention I usually give her for my sake.. & it has helped me. I love her, however, now.. it's just like... friends and friends. I see her as a friend now.

Anyways, Jenzton Franklin was preaching at a Jam night, talking about "Staying out of the woods" and he quoted "It may be enjoyable and pleasureable, but it can destroy you." .. Then I started thinking "What's the woods in my life?" , it may seem a little much, but I labeled her as my woods, meaning.. It may feel good to be around her, and talk to her, joke around with her for ages just because I have feelings for her.. but in the end, I'm only hurting myself" .. So just stay out of the woods.

So in other words, I guess this is goodbye to my feelings. I can finally move on with my life and be happy without the thoughts of myself fighting for who I miss, love and think about constantly.